August 2005

Planning the Unplanned Summer

By Gary J Pearson

The ominious milestone of 50 is behind me now, but those "lazy days" of my childhood summers still seem like yesterday.

I was blessed. I lived in Australia and my father was a high school teacher. Every summer vacation (December through January) was spent camping by the beach. I recall the anticipation as we counted down the school days remaining and the excitement ringing in the air on Friday evenings as we loaded the tent, furniture, clothes and food into a borrowed truck, and then there was the 4 a.m. ride in the soft morning light and long sunrise shadows. This was the beginning of our summer adventure.

Of all my childhood memories these are, by far, the most vivid - crystal clear. These were the days of freedom and flexibility; a time to be creative and spontaneous; a time to explore; a time where, except for a few moments, I was in control.

Granted this was 40 years ago and 12,000 miles away, but the fundamental psychological needs of kids today remain the same. I needed food and shelter, safety and security, acceptance of my peers, a sense of accomplishment, and a feeling of independence and identity. And I didn't need to be constrained by a structured program that somebody else decided would satisfy my needs(or theirs).

Now, as a parent living in Fairfield County, it doesn't seem so easy. How can I allow my kids to satisfy their needs and retain my own sanity during the summer? The magic word is balance. Balance scheduled activities with none at all. Balance who participates - dad, grandparents, neighbors, the kid down the street. Balance indoor versus outdoor activities. And balance in shared responsibility. Here are a few tips:

• Look through your children's eyes. What is it they really want - and need ? For example, teens biological clocks are different. So what if they want to stay up late and sleep until midday ? Okay, so this isn't a prescription for everyday fun (especially if they are holding down a summer job), but once in a while what's the big deal ? And if you want them up earlier be prepared with a valid reason that you, as a teenager, would find acceptable.

• Appreciate their need for control. Kids at every stage are looking to achieve increasing levels of control over their lives. When school is in, their daily schedules are brimming with activities and responsibilities. Down time when they can relax, process the day's events, think and dream is rare. Let them have the freedom to choose - and the freedom not to choose.

• Establish a plan together. Be flexible, and don't over schedule. (For your own well-being as well as the kids. Summer is no fun for you if you spend it in an eternal carpool). Give them reasonable responsibilities. Children are more capable than we often credit them. Get creative. Build in activities that the kids plan and execute.(e.g. a day hike at the "Sleeping Giant" can begin with your child using Mapquest to plan the route and the timing of the outing; create a shopping list for the picnic lunch; go to the store to purchase the groceries; pack the lunch; navigate the ride there, etc.)
• Share the load. Talk to parents of your kids friends. Trade off days at the town beach (or club if one is a member) for a day hiking, or in the city, or at a museum, or paddling rented canoes, or ...   

Summer is for freedom, flexibility and fun. Even for parents !

You can contact Gary at 226-6210 or garyp@livinginharmonycenter.com

(Published May-June 2005, Connecticut Family Today Magazine)

(Weekly Column in The Darien Times, Darien, CT)
"Calm Down"
Published 8/9/07 

Well, we are officially in the middle of summer.  It’s hot, the days are long, and our families are spending a lot of time together – some may say too much time together, especially when it’s hot and the days are long. 

Lately, my son and I have found ourselves getting frustrated and irritated more easily and more often than usual.  Recently, we were at an event and my son was upset that we couldn’t play certain games due to other coinciding activities.  His frustration soon spiraled into a fit, and he took it out on me with uncharacteristically angry words.

As a therapist, I teach anger management skills to groups and individuals, but that doesn’t mean that I am always successful at using them myself.  In this case, my first instinct was to scream “You do NOT talk to me that way!”  But then my training finally kicked in at the right time, and I held my tongue.  I knew that his intention was not to hurt me but simply to vent his anger (and perhaps to embarrass me enough so I might give in to his wishes to avoid a scene).  I also realized that he was likely very frightened by the intensity of his emotions, and decided to keep my own level of intensity low so that he could bring his down as well. 

I’ve noticed that we adults are more likely to recognize that we may be at fault in confrontations with other adults than when we lock horns with our children.  Sometimes we forget that children have a right to their emotions and opinions, even if these opinions seem illogical or irrational.  Our natural inclination is to negate them, give our kids the right facts, and expect the discussion to move on.  But children don’t move on so quickly. They don’t see the limitations in reality that we know exist.  They don’t understand the range of emotions that they may be experiencing simultaneously (many adults don’t either).  So it is our job as parents to help our children learn to identify, cope with, and resolve their anger and any underlying emotions.

In our situation, my son was disappointed that he couldn’t play, and confused as to why.  He was afraid that he would never get to play again, and frustrated when he thought I didn’t understand this.  As he became more and more hysterical, I urged him to take a deep breath to help stop the downward spiral.  But my child seems to believe that if I disagree with him, it is because I didn’t hear him.  Taking a deep breath means he has to stop talking, which means he has to stop repeating his argument, leaving him vulnerable to loss.  So if I want him to pause, I must reassure him that I hear what he wants but he still cannot have it. 

Validating our children’s emotions and opinions is an important step to gaining their cooperation, and this is true for adults too.  If we don’t feel understood, we will continue to plead our case rather than work towards a solution. 

Now, recognizing that the emotions are okay does not mean excusing the bad behavior.  We all have a right to feel angry, but we have a responsibility to resolve our anger in a safe and respectful way, even if the anger comes in response to another’s inappropriate actions.  So, while we should acknowledge, “I know you are angry/frustrated/disappointed/etc.,” we can follow up with “but you cannot hit/kick/yell at me/etc in that disrespectful manner.  Let me help you find another way to release your angry energy”.

When I said this to my son, he became invested in solving the problem.  Note, it didn’t happen immediately – I had to repeat the statement several times (and keep myself calm as well) before he was ready to seek a solution.  But the fact that I wasn’t screaming hysterically back at him helped him drop his defenses and begin to settle down.

“How can we release the angry energy?”  he asked.  I suggested physical releases like running around the yard, jumping up and down, doing karate chops and yells (in the air, not against another).  “But what if that doesn’t work?” asked my pensive son.  I suggested quiet playtime alone doing manual tasks like kneading Playdoh or drawing, or playing a children’s computer game.  I offered up television shows like Dragon Tales or Caillou, which offer examples of how other children learn to manage emotions. “But what if that doesn’t work?” he asked again.

Finally, I volunteered to dance with him, which changed our angry tones to giggles.  “Mom, the best way to make me un-mad is to make me laugh,” he said. 

Sometimes it really helps to listen to our kids.

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The Mom Front by Rebecca Martorella

(Weekly Column in The Darien Times)

"Great Moms All"

May 7, 2005
 

I recently found myself in a chaotic room full of mothers and toddlers anxiously waiting for their lottery number to be called.  But this was not the usual lottery. These moms weren’t waiting for millions but for something equally elusive – a spot in a coveted toddler program.  

My son was a little overwhelmed by the excitement (to put it mildly) and spent half of the time struggling to pull me out of the room (where I could not go, lest I miss my number) and half of the time pushing himself around on his back cleaning the floor with his head.  I was mortified by this display in front of all the other toddler moms in town, and worried that my child or I would be judged negatively.  The relief I felt when my number was finally called led both me and my son to cheer aloud.  Later I was able to laugh at my fear of judgment – well, at least a part of me was.

It seems that everywhere I look these days there is another book, article, or television news report on the state of motherhood in the new millennium.  Most of the stories describe mothers who feel guilty or judged by other mothers, are disillusioned or frustrated, or who feel overwhelmed with work and family responsibilities.  They report on studies about the effects of working mothers and daycare on children (for the record, there are many more factors that contribute to these effects than just mom’s occupational status).  They tell of “mommy wars” between stay-at-home mothers and working mothers.  What is going on?  Are we really so unhappy?  Or have we just been swept up in a kid-centric, overscheduled, overachieving society that leaves us feeling like we should do more, be more, have more?  And how can we get ourselves out of this mind-frame?

The flood of books on this subject is one indicator that mothers are ready to talk about their true experiences and drop the façade of perfection we wish we could maintain.  The success of “Desperate Housewives” is another.  In perhaps that show’s most famous scene among the mom population, an exhausted mother of four rambunctious children reaches her limit, leaves her children with a friend and breaks down in tears on the local soccer field.  Her friends find her and comfort her by confiding their own near-meltdowns.  “Why didn’t you tell me that?” she cries, relieved to know she wasn’t alone.  That scene has been recounted over and over because it hit a cord in all of us who try to put on a controlled front.  We all need to know that it’s okay to ask for help, it’s okay to need a break, it’s okay to want some time to ourselves, it’s okay to be less than perfect.

Traditionally, the “mommy wars” have endured between working mothers, criticized for “letting others raise their children”, and stay-at-home mothers, derided for “wasting their education” or “losing their identity”.  But it isn’t simply “choice” that determines whether we continue to work outside the home.  Income level, daycare options, spousal support, and career possibilities all play a part. 

We are a generation of women raised to believe we could do anything.  Unfortunately, our society has not established the social supports necessary to make our choices very easy.  Daycare is expensive and difficult to find or evaluate, leading couples to weigh whether it is worth the effort.  Most corporate environments haven’t increased the flexibility of their expectations to help working parents incorporate their career into their unpredictable family lives.  Flex-time and job-sharing are options in some companies, but many women find that there is a perception that those who reduce their hours even just to pick up their children from daycare are less committed to their job and so are sidelined to a less demanding “mommy track”. 

Unfortunately, guilt also plays a major part in all of our lives, driven by mixed messages about what counts as important in our society (money, job titles, maternal presence?).  Every mother I talk to feels guilty – for working, for not working, for daycare, for scheduling too many activities for our children, for scheduling too few, for taking some time for themselves. 

I work part-time, so I identify with both the stay-at-home mother and the mother employed outside the home.  I am fortunate to have friends from all camps – some work outside the home full-time, some part-time, some not at all, some run their own businesses from home, some volunteer.  They all have different reasons for making the choices they made, and they have different perspectives on raising their children – as much because they are different people as because they are in different employment situations.

A few years ago, a series of Oprah shows exposed another battle in the “mommy wars”, this time between those who idealized motherhood and those who complained about it.  In the first show, mothers spoke about the difficulties of motherhood and dared to tell of exhaustion and frustration mixed in with the joy and amazement we usually hear about.  It was a controversial show and led to several other episodes in which mothers debated about the level of happiness and satisfaction in their roles as mothers and wives, each camp criticizing the other for their unacceptable beliefs.  Let me be clear, there was no doubt that both types of mothers loved their children immensely, they just got different levels of satisfaction from the daily grind.

As women we should support and learn from each other, rather than criticizing those whose choices, options, or opinions may be different than our own.  We can all benefit from sharing the range of emotions and experiences motherhood – and fatherhood – brings.  And maybe we can mobilize to make some changes so we can get rid of the guilt once and for all. In the meantime, pat yourself on the back, give yourself a gold star, and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

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 THE MOM FRONT

Consistently Inconsistent

by Rebecca Martorella

The Darien Times, March 10, 2005

Consistency.  The mantra of good parenting.  As a therapist, I prescribe it often.  As a mother I know it’s a prescription that is almost impossible to fill.

On paper, it seems so logical.  Just follow the same steps, provide the same responses, enforce the same limits every day and you will be in control of your children. Of course, then there’s reality.

In an ideal world, every interaction would be controllable and every result would be predictable.  In the real world, our behavior is affected by a myriad of uncontrollable factors: our mood, lack of sleep, hunger, interactions with others, hormones, the weather, and probably even the alignment of the planets.  All of these variables make it impossible for anyone to be perfectly consistent. 

For example, I am trying to teach my son manners such as saying “please”, “thank you” and “I’m sorry”.  On the days when I am tired, frustrated with his behavior, and fed up with his bossy attitude, I will stand my ground and insist he say please when asking me to do things for him.  This has been known to result in a battle of the wills and lots of tears, but when the “please” is said, he is rewarded with cheers and hugs and kisses.  And he usually keeps it up for awhile.

Other days, when my “zen” has kicked in, the demanding tone of “me up!” goes unnoticed.  He is picked up without hesitation and usually with a kiss because, well, I’m in a good mood.  So he usually keeps this up for a lot longer.  Until my mood changes and the battle for “please” begins again (see preceding paragraph).

In an ideal world, we could monitor every interaction with our child to ensure the same words, tone and nonverbal communication are always used.  In the real world, we often have other people involved in the caretaking of our children, be it husband, grandparents, or babysitters.  As a result, there are infinite variations in how the child may be treated each day and in how they respond. 

At least within my own home I have attempted to set some rules, but that requires an elusive type of consistency . . . that between husband and wife.  I spend all day telling my son “no” and my husband is just one big neon “yes” sign. 

“No throwing in the house” is repeatedly challenged by an eager father’s attempts to train a left-handed pitcher.  “No eating anywhere but the kitchen” was amended to “Food allowed everywhere” when Daddy found it easier to bring the food to the boy than to get the boy in the high chair.  I did insist on “No eating near the computer”.  I may be wrong, but I’m guessing the toddler spoon that was jamming the printer last week is an indication that this rule has been broken too. 

A consistent bedtime routine is touted as the key to happiness for parents.  But even the simple “dinner, bath, books, bed” is more complicated than it seems.  Sometimes dinner is late.  Sometimes we skip the bath because our son is sniffling, or clean, or just not interested.  We read different books in different ways.  I tend to read for a longer time in a soft voice in an attempt to wind our son down.  My husband is more likely to use an excited voice that revs our son up.  Everywhere you look is inconsistency.

And as for getting him to go to sleep on his own, well, that goal often gets undermined by the desire just to get him to go to sleep.  We have tried all the methods to train him, and we have been successful . . . for a week or so.  Then our son gets sick, or overtired, or we have a late evening, or a babysitter, or a guest, or we travel, or any small thing changes.  Weeks of training are undone in one night and then we start all over again.  Or we don’t.  After 2 years, we are beginning to tire of the need to find 7-14 nights of consistency to train our son yet again.  And so I find that most of the time it is our own exhaustion level that dictates whether we hold his hand as he falls asleep, lay down near him in his room, or ignore his cries.  Probably not the best way to teach him much of anything, except that his parents are very inconsistent.

“Do not take him out of the crib when he awakens at night” was the one steadfast rule I maintained around our son’s frequent awakenings, and I often chastised my husband for “rewarding” our son’s cries by picking him up.  I can imagine his glib satisfaction this morning when he found me lying on the couch asleep with my son in my arms.

From an adult standpoint, “relative consistency” seems like it should be enough.  We know what happens “most of the time” and most of us adjust our behavior to reap the best outcome most often.  However, children don’t have that kind of foresight.  A toddler who has ever heard “yes” will continue to seek it out even after hundreds of “no”s.  Like a gambler playing slots, they will keep pulling that arm knowing that someday they will hit the jackpot.  And unfortunately for me, my payout rate is pretty high.

But I guess I am just a parent living in the real world.